There were moments in this new "Transformers"
movie that were so confusing, so contradictory, or so corny that they
completely took me out of the movie. Even days after watching it, some
new inconsistency or plot hole would pop into my mind.
I can hear it already: "It's a popcorn movie. It's based on a
bunch of toys. It's just supposed to be fun." And yes, all of those
things are true. But that doesn't mean I can't ask questions about what
in the world was going on. Here are the ten that I most want answered.
(WARNING: contains spoilers).
2. There are two pieces of the Allspark cube left: the military
has one under lock and key, and Sam discovers another. The Decepticons
steal one and bring Megatron back to life. But when Sam (Shia LaBeouf)
wants to bring back Optimus, he has to find the Matrix of Leadership on
the other side of the globe. Why not use the other piece? Mikaela
(Meagan Fox) has it in her backpack the whole time. It brought his
kitchen appliances to life, why can't it do the same for Optimus?
3. Speaking of Megatron's rebirth, when the Decepticons venture
deep into the ocean to revive him, the Navy crew tracking them reads
five contacts. When they get down there, they tear apart one of the
robots for parts to rebuild Megatron. Then as they rise to the surface,
the same Navy guys say they spot six contacts. The little "Doctor"
robot popped out down there, but he's about a third of the size of a
person. Would he have shown up on sonar?
4. That reminds me: even if I were to forgive the Doctor's
German accent -- and director Michael Bay is asking me to forgive a lot
of ridiculous accents -- why would a
robot need glasses? He has little lenses that flip in front of his
mechanical eyes. Couldn't he just get his eyes adjusted? You'd think
with all the laser guns, someone could perform a Lasik procedure.
5. Apparently, Transformers can look like people now. How? And how is it that even though the robo-girl (Isabel Lucas)
is made of metal, she can still straddle Sam without crushing him. And
if Bumblebee knows something's wrong with her, why does he spit
antifreeze at her instead of telling Sam? Yes, his voicebox is broken,
but wasn't it fixed at the end of the last movie?
6. The Fallen is the last of the Primes, since they all
sacrificed themselves to stop him from destroying the sun. But then he
says that Optimus is a descendant of the Primes. First, Transformers
have kids? And second, how could he descend from them if they were all
dead? And if the Fallen could only be destroyed by a Prime, why didn't
the originals just gang up on him back in the day? And what makes
Optimus so special, anyway? Megatron beat him earlier, but all it takes
is a few spare parts from creaky old Jetfire for him to take out the
Fallen?
7. Sam, Mikaela, and Simmons (John Turturro)
go to the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum in Washington D.C. to find
Jetfire. Then they walk out the back onto a wide open field with old
planes and mountains in the distance. When did the National Mall start
to look so much like to Tucson, AZ (where they really filmed that
scene)?
8. The geography is just as bad when they go to Egypt. The stone
city of Petra in Jordan is over 250 miles away, over mountainous
terrain, with few paved roads and the Israeli border between them, so
how can they drive from one to the other in a couple of hours. And the
Pyramids are said to be shooting distance from the Mediterranean, but
they are actually well over 80 miles inland. Even if the Navy ship had
a secret rail gun, and even if the captain would take an order to fire
from a former agent of a government branch that no longer exists (over
a walkie-talkie that inexplicably starts working again), how could it
hit a moving target from that distance?
9. Sam briefly dies and goes to Robot Heaven. Robot Heaven?!?!
10. Where does Sam's bandage come from? What about his extra
sock? Why does Sam's roommate not contribute anything at all? What was
the Fallen doing for those thousands of years Megatron was frozen in
ice? How does one satellite receive transmissions from everywhere on
the planet? Why does Wheelie hump Mikaela's leg? Why do we have to see
John Turturro's thong? Why are robots who join together to become
Devastator also seen fighting the Army at the same time? Why does the
government want only our military fighting Decepticons when our weapons
seem unable to make so much as a dent on any of them? Why did the
ancient Egyptians build a pyramid around the sun-destroying machines
instead of just breaking it? Why is the Matrix of Leadership bigger in
the Fallen's hand than in Sam's? And how do Mikaela's pants stay so
clean
Like
I said in my review of the film, I enjoyed the movie, it was
entertaining, but It lacked some things that would have made it as good
as the original. Who knows, some people might be able to look past
these flaws and treat the film for what its meant for, and that's
entertainment. I felt the need to publish this report for the true fans
of the franchise. I hope I didn't turn anyone off the film's bandwagon.
